Dave’s Not Here

“… and I’m going to need you to take your license out completely, if you don’t mind. I have to scan the barcode on the back.”

“Of course,” I told the pharmacist. I removed my driver’s license from my wallet and handed it to her.

She held it beneath a scanner and looked at her screen. “Hmmmmmmm … it’s coming up with a different address than the ondmv-helle printed on the front. Is the one here your current address?” she asked as she showed me the card.

“Yes, it is. Different how? What do you mean exactly?” I asked her.

“The two addresses are completely different, from different cities.” She verified what the cities were. “It happens all the time. That’s why I check with the customer, just to make sure …” she said.

“Well, that’s dumb,” I told her. “You’d think with all the features the DMV includes on the card, all the trouble they go through to make certain information is on there completely, the paperwork, the effort to have them sent out, etc. that they’d get their stuff together and make certain all their ducks are in a row.”

“Yeah … you’d think …” the pharmacist replied.

So …

Dear Department Of Motor Vehicles:

It’s come to my attention the information you have listed for my driver’s license is not the same information printed on the face of the actual license itself. This troubles me.

You see … I made certain to fill out lengthy paperwork – exactingly so – in an effort to provide the DMV with the most up to date information. I took great pains to come into one of your office to make various changes you requested, despite the lengthy wait I endured in order to do so. And that was with a previously arranged appointment.

What I found is that someone (mayhap it was several people) dropped the ball, however. Two different locations conflict with each other due to the DMV’s error(s). This not only confused a pharmacist who assisted me but caused her to do more work than she would have normally done because of your error. Additionally, there was the very real possibility of embarrassment with said pharmacist possibly looking askew at me wondering if I was hiding information from her which could have very well reared uncomfortability’s ugly head on both our parts. (Fortunately, I could give a rat’s ass about such a situation. I’m not such a person of delicate sensibilities nor of fragile constitution so no big deal. But others might not have such a Teflon coating, if you get my meaning.)

Thus, I’m requesting you correct this error post haste so that it doesn’t occur again. And, while you’re at it, I’m requesting a partial refund of the original fees it took to order my updated license being the information is wrong. That only seems fair.

Please contact me at your earliest opportunity and let me know when I will be receiving said refund. If I don’t hear from you in two week’s time (which I believe to be a fair time frame) you can expect a call.


Michael Noble, Disillusioned California Driver


I Should Be Tossed In Jail

Dear County of El Dorado:

Know what I did today?

I thumbed my nose at you. Twice. And I enjoyed it.

It wasn’t literally two individual thumbs that got thumbed at you. No … it was two cars.

Two hand washed cars. Hand washed by yours truly.

Yes, I realize the county is in a drought situation currently. But it’s not like I was actively disobeying the law or being negligent of my water usage.

I know you’ve stated we need to conserve water, but I conserve already … and have been for years and years, even when weren’t in the throes of a water shortage.

Besides, my total water usage accounted for the equivalent of a 10 minute shower to wash both vehicles.

Who else can you say does that? That’s what I thought … no one.

I ever-so-briefly spritzed the vehicles wet and then hosed them off quickly after soaping them down. << Voila! >> I not only made quick work of washing the transports but – in so doing by hand – was more efficient than taking them to a car wash. And! I got plenty of exercise to boot.

I know, I know … you’ll be watching me now. I fully expected that. Given my “flagrant” use of precious water, I expected nothing less.

But the way I see it, when the county’s facilities cease and desist watering in 90 degree temperatures in the middle of the afternoon … when your sprinkler systems are looked over with a fine toothed comb to prevent the criminal leaks I see day in and day out … when I see runoff at various county buildings doing nothing but moving along the main street’s gutters on a useless journey to the sewers … when I see demonstrative, ethical and intelligent usage of water from you, El Dorado County, then and only then I might consider backing off my once-every-other-month vehicle washing.


In the mean time? Suck it, El Dorado County.

Because I am cognizant of the water I use. You are not